Sometimes things just don't go the way I dreamed

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. My apologies to those who check in and have worried when I have not written. It is not for lack of trying. I have tried quite a few times, but the words just do not seem to come.

It took a long time to feel stable again for me. Still don't think I am there yet. Sometimes I don't feel like writing because I just feel as though I am being a huge downer. Sometimes it is because life is going so well that I don't want to stop to write and miss a thing. I guess I am finally writing now because I am in the hospital and I am lonely. This is the second time in a month that I have been admitted. Tomorrow will make a full week for this stay and the thought is that it will be another "few" days. "FEW", not quite sure what that means. I think it is the word the doctors use when they have no clue either. I have been walking a tight rope for awhile. It is a very fine line between going into heart failure or staying out of heart failure and moving towards kidney failure. It is a path, I am told that can not be traveled for long. Something will have to give or change here.

I am developing diuretic resistance and seem to quit responding to oral diuretics after about a 3 pound water weight gain. We tried outpatient infusion this time, but it did not keep up and now I am in here.

My regular cardiologist is the hospital cardiologist this weekend. It will be nice to talk to her regarding my situation. She did stop in a few times last week. She is an amazing doctor. There is something very comforting about here demeanor. She is also amazing at explaining things to me and never talks down to me.

When she was in last week there was talk of ultra filtration, which is like dialysis but for water and salt only. Also talk of heart transplant. Sounds like the ultra filtration is a sort of bridge, something to use while waiting for the transplant. She said we will most likely start the transplant process at my next clinic visit with her.

So I feel as though I am running out of strength, courage, stamina. I also feel very numb. By allowing the numbness to grab a hold a little I think it is helping me from going into a major depression. This is where I usually get with my writing and then I do not post and usually delete. I feel like I am supposed to be continually brave, fearless, "can do"...I feel that when I admit that I am terrified and completely overwhelmed that I am somehow admitting to failure. So I am going to post this. I am then going to get up, take a walk with my IV tree around the cardiac floor circle, stretch out my lungs and go and see if my dinner has come. No matter how defeated I feel I know I need to keep going. This is my life. Nobody is going to battle this for me. Nobody is going to scrape me off the ground and nobody is going to stretch my lungs for me. I will keep going because I know that all days are not this tough. I will keep going because I know that I love to live.