I am feeling especially sorry for myself today. I can not remember the last time that my health or Matt's was not on the forefront of my mind. If it is not our health that I am concerned about it is our financial situation. I refuse to call it poor, as I do believe I am one of the richest people in the world. I truly am blessed with many things. Not with material things, but with love.

I can not remember the last time I had an entire relaxing day or even a relaxing afternoon. I guess, probably in July. For a while we made a boat trip on the St. Croix river a weekly priority. Then I got to weak to do it. So now it is mid-October and I have just spent the last 3 hours crying. Sometimes I just need to allow the sorrow to flow from my body. To admit that sometimes I am scared, weak, terrified, overwhelmed. I also need to remind myself that is okay to have these feelings.

This is not how I pictured my life going. I guess if I could find a way to give up expectation then I would not be disappointed. How do I do that without giving up dreaming, goals, plans for the future? How am I supposed to truly, let go and let God? How do I live in the moment and still be a responsible parent? If I am not planning for the future how will we get by? It seems like such a great leap of faith, to actually live just for today, for this moment, in the beauty or hardness of this second.

The picture I have posted with this is by Jane Evershed. While I was conquering cancer, 15 years ago, I did a lot of volunteer work with an organization called the Women's Cancer Resource Center (WCRC). WCRC was a GREAT support to me. They had a yearly event with entertainment, food, silent auction, dancing, a live auction, friendship and joy. It was so much fun. An amazing way to celebrate life. I was very active in the planning of the silent auction. Every year, Jane Evershed donated one or more signed and framed prints. I fell in love with her work. My Mother made sure I got those prints. The first one was "The Great Leap of Faith", pictured above. There is a poem that goes with it.

The Great Leap of Faith

Its yours-
take it!

Leap like a lunatic over the chasm below
Erupting as you go
Your true self awaits you
Now you will know

I chose to write about my sorrow tonight in hopes that I could try and turn it around. It is okay to have the sorrow, I allow myself that. I do need to carry on with my life however, enjoying the time that I have here on this beautiful planet. As I was writing, I recalled this picture. Thank you, Jane Evershed. I will try and take The Great Leap of Faith. I will try and live in the moment and I WILL do something fun and joyful everyday. That is a promise I am making to myself, do at least one incredibly joyful thing everyday. I deserve it.