I believe in something called the universal bulletin board. It is not for the greedy, it is not for the self obsessed. It is not for accumulating needless possessions, but rather gifting you the things that will truly help you to journey on your authentic path. I believe that if you want something and it is meant to happen, that if you put it out there, on the bulletin board that is, eventually the universe will see your posting and respond. I also believe that in order to participate you must also be paying attention for others postings, helping to make their postings come true.
Some may call it luck. Some may call it positive affirmations. Some may call it praying. I guess people could call it a lot of things or just look at is as some form of weird voodoo. Some may say that God will provide. I call it the universal bulletin board, from here on referred to as the UBB.
Lately it seems as though I have been blessed. My post-its are being read and fulfilled daily. I needed to find some new socks to donate to the church sock drive for the homeless. Problem is Adelaide does not even get new socks and usually Matt and I do not either. So the thought of going to a store and paying full price for something, well it turned my stomach a little. Thrift stores, if we can't find it there, we probably don't need it. Anyhow, I really wanted to bring in at least one pair of new socks as it is a Social Action project that Adelaide is working on at Sunday school. So low and behold, brand new pair of socks, only 25 cents, thank you thrift store, thank you UBB!
I have been longing for community and for friends to walk through the journey of life. Again UBB came through. New faces and beautiful people are popping up everywhere with open hearts, minds and hands.
So material things. Really not much I want. Most of it can go. I no longer want to dust, organize or be held down by stuff. However I have had the idea of a laptop in my head for quite a while. While I was in the hospital last time, my roommates daughter suggested I get a laptop or fancy cell phone so I could skype with Adelaide while in the hospital. I have also wanted to work on my writing, but have found it is easier to type than to write as I like to change my wording around a lot. With the computer in the basement it makes it hard to sit down at it, at will. Well, my family, bless their generous hearts all went in together and got me a brand new beautiful, fancy, not sure how to use it yet, laptop. It is absolutely amazing. The thing is, I never spoke of my desire for one to any of them, again the UBB at work and my family too. Somehow, they new in their hearts, that this "thing", this material possession could help me on my journey.
So do some posting. I like to post for others as well. I post for comfort, good food, "things". Matt needed some clay for taxidermy the other day. Within 3 weeks I found it at the thrift store. Maybe those who can buy anything they need at any time might not appreciate the UBB as much as I. But it is not just for "stuff". I constantly put it out there for support, friendship, peace of mind. Thank you UBB for working with me!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Sometimes things just don't go the way I dreamed
It has been a long time since I have written anything here. My apologies to those who check in and have worried when I have not written. It is not for lack of trying. I have tried quite a few times, but the words just do not seem to come.
It took a long time to feel stable again for me. Still don't think I am there yet. Sometimes I don't feel like writing because I just feel as though I am being a huge downer. Sometimes it is because life is going so well that I don't want to stop to write and miss a thing. I guess I am finally writing now because I am in the hospital and I am lonely. This is the second time in a month that I have been admitted. Tomorrow will make a full week for this stay and the thought is that it will be another "few" days. "FEW", not quite sure what that means. I think it is the word the doctors use when they have no clue either. I have been walking a tight rope for awhile. It is a very fine line between going into heart failure or staying out of heart failure and moving towards kidney failure. It is a path, I am told that can not be traveled for long. Something will have to give or change here.
I am developing diuretic resistance and seem to quit responding to oral diuretics after about a 3 pound water weight gain. We tried outpatient infusion this time, but it did not keep up and now I am in here.
My regular cardiologist is the hospital cardiologist this weekend. It will be nice to talk to her regarding my situation. She did stop in a few times last week. She is an amazing doctor. There is something very comforting about here demeanor. She is also amazing at explaining things to me and never talks down to me.
When she was in last week there was talk of ultra filtration, which is like dialysis but for water and salt only. Also talk of heart transplant. Sounds like the ultra filtration is a sort of bridge, something to use while waiting for the transplant. She said we will most likely start the transplant process at my next clinic visit with her.
So I feel as though I am running out of strength, courage, stamina. I also feel very numb. By allowing the numbness to grab a hold a little I think it is helping me from going into a major depression. This is where I usually get with my writing and then I do not post and usually delete. I feel like I am supposed to be continually brave, fearless, "can do"...I feel that when I admit that I am terrified and completely overwhelmed that I am somehow admitting to failure. So I am going to post this. I am then going to get up, take a walk with my IV tree around the cardiac floor circle, stretch out my lungs and go and see if my dinner has come. No matter how defeated I feel I know I need to keep going. This is my life. Nobody is going to battle this for me. Nobody is going to scrape me off the ground and nobody is going to stretch my lungs for me. I will keep going because I know that all days are not this tough. I will keep going because I know that I love to live.
It took a long time to feel stable again for me. Still don't think I am there yet. Sometimes I don't feel like writing because I just feel as though I am being a huge downer. Sometimes it is because life is going so well that I don't want to stop to write and miss a thing. I guess I am finally writing now because I am in the hospital and I am lonely. This is the second time in a month that I have been admitted. Tomorrow will make a full week for this stay and the thought is that it will be another "few" days. "FEW", not quite sure what that means. I think it is the word the doctors use when they have no clue either. I have been walking a tight rope for awhile. It is a very fine line between going into heart failure or staying out of heart failure and moving towards kidney failure. It is a path, I am told that can not be traveled for long. Something will have to give or change here.
I am developing diuretic resistance and seem to quit responding to oral diuretics after about a 3 pound water weight gain. We tried outpatient infusion this time, but it did not keep up and now I am in here.
My regular cardiologist is the hospital cardiologist this weekend. It will be nice to talk to her regarding my situation. She did stop in a few times last week. She is an amazing doctor. There is something very comforting about here demeanor. She is also amazing at explaining things to me and never talks down to me.
When she was in last week there was talk of ultra filtration, which is like dialysis but for water and salt only. Also talk of heart transplant. Sounds like the ultra filtration is a sort of bridge, something to use while waiting for the transplant. She said we will most likely start the transplant process at my next clinic visit with her.
So I feel as though I am running out of strength, courage, stamina. I also feel very numb. By allowing the numbness to grab a hold a little I think it is helping me from going into a major depression. This is where I usually get with my writing and then I do not post and usually delete. I feel like I am supposed to be continually brave, fearless, "can do"...I feel that when I admit that I am terrified and completely overwhelmed that I am somehow admitting to failure. So I am going to post this. I am then going to get up, take a walk with my IV tree around the cardiac floor circle, stretch out my lungs and go and see if my dinner has come. No matter how defeated I feel I know I need to keep going. This is my life. Nobody is going to battle this for me. Nobody is going to scrape me off the ground and nobody is going to stretch my lungs for me. I will keep going because I know that all days are not this tough. I will keep going because I know that I love to live.
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